Sunday, November 4, 2012
New Beginning.
Well, I haven't been on here in a while, but I never forget about these things. I'm more or less just doing this so I'll have somewhere to say how I feel, because right now I just feel so empty and broken and I just with I could make it all go away. I want to sleep, so I took a sleeping pill. I'll write more later.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Today.
B: yogurt-120 (at 8:00 AM)
L: rice cake-45; cutie mandarin-40 (at 12:00 PM)
D: soup-160 (as 4:00 PM)
Total: 365.
Bicycling for almost an hour, so I'll burn most of it off.
L: rice cake-45; cutie mandarin-40 (at 12:00 PM)
D: soup-160 (as 4:00 PM)
Total: 365.
Bicycling for almost an hour, so I'll burn most of it off.
Clocks.
I can't wait until I can listen to Clocks by Coldplay, get up and start dancing and actually look pretty. I makes me want to float away, and I can't wait until I actually can.
Goals.
SW:180 ish
CW: 140
LW:134
GW 1: 135
GW 2: 130-go shopping
GW 3: 125
GW 4: 120
GW 5: 115- shopping again
GW 6: 110-get nails done
GW 7: 105-get hair done
UGW: 100-shopping
Lets see how long this takes... if I can make it past easter weekend, I'm pretty sure that I can do this by the end of summer, if not earlier... I just want to be able to have fun during the last summer of highschool.
CW: 140
LW:134
GW 1: 135
GW 2: 130-go shopping
GW 3: 125
GW 4: 120
GW 5: 115- shopping again
GW 6: 110-get nails done
GW 7: 105-get hair done
UGW: 100-shopping
Lets see how long this takes... if I can make it past easter weekend, I'm pretty sure that I can do this by the end of summer, if not earlier... I just want to be able to have fun during the last summer of highschool.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Crackers.
Sadly, I've found my new weakness- saltine crackers. Not just any crackers, but the cheap, flaky ones that my step mom buys. I. Love. Them. Sadly, they don't fill me up worth a SHIT. I just eat and eat and eat, and I think it's okay because they're just crackers. But they aren't just crackers, they are fat and carbs coated in sodium and more fat. I still eat them, though.
Consumed
peanut butter crackers: 190
grapes- 14
crackers- (12 cals each): 120
pineapple- 60
soup- 30 cals
pretzel rod- 30
total- 444
Burned
One hour on bike with dad. : minus about 563 calories.
OFFICIAL TOTAL- negative 119
I still feel like shit. I'm probably going to go and eat a few more crackers and drink some water, beacause right now I feel like shit. I've gained weight. Like, a ridiculous amount. Ten pounds, I think. I look disgusting. It's because I binge, ALL THE TIME. I always have to finish what's on my plate. I can never just get one of anything. I'm pretty sure that one of these days I'm going to get sick from dehydration, because when I restrict, drinking repulses me. I don't know why. I'm forcing myself to drink water now, and it's just... gross. I can' explain it. It tastes like the lotion I have on, and I hate it. I'm going to restrict below 500 calories a day from now through summer. If I was sucessful, I bet I could lose thirty or more pounds That would be like a dream come tru. I haven't been below 130 since I was in sixth grade. It'll be pretty emotional for me. My goal weight is to be 140 by the end of April. That'll be my birthday, and even though thats still pretty big, it's better than nothing. This is what I get or fucking up so much. I honestly could care less about whatever food I did or did not eat a week go. That's all I have to keep telling myself. This too shall pass. If I just sit here and ignore my crvings, ths too shall pass. It'sll all about cntrol, which I've always failed at miserably. Hopfully I'll stop breaking my own heart, and this time will be the time that changes everything. </3
Consumed
peanut butter crackers: 190
grapes- 14
crackers- (12 cals each): 120
pineapple- 60
soup- 30 cals
pretzel rod- 30
total- 444
Burned
One hour on bike with dad. : minus about 563 calories.
OFFICIAL TOTAL- negative 119
I still feel like shit. I'm probably going to go and eat a few more crackers and drink some water, beacause right now I feel like shit. I've gained weight. Like, a ridiculous amount. Ten pounds, I think. I look disgusting. It's because I binge, ALL THE TIME. I always have to finish what's on my plate. I can never just get one of anything. I'm pretty sure that one of these days I'm going to get sick from dehydration, because when I restrict, drinking repulses me. I don't know why. I'm forcing myself to drink water now, and it's just... gross. I can' explain it. It tastes like the lotion I have on, and I hate it. I'm going to restrict below 500 calories a day from now through summer. If I was sucessful, I bet I could lose thirty or more pounds That would be like a dream come tru. I haven't been below 130 since I was in sixth grade. It'll be pretty emotional for me. My goal weight is to be 140 by the end of April. That'll be my birthday, and even though thats still pretty big, it's better than nothing. This is what I get or fucking up so much. I honestly could care less about whatever food I did or did not eat a week go. That's all I have to keep telling myself. This too shall pass. If I just sit here and ignore my crvings, ths too shall pass. It'sll all about cntrol, which I've always failed at miserably. Hopfully I'll stop breaking my own heart, and this time will be the time that changes everything. </3
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Plain.
School is boring. My life is boring. I honestly go through the day, waiing for the moment when I can eat. For the few minutes that I'm eating, I feel normal. Happy. Only because I know i'm following my plan. I smile wen I burn my tongue because I know I won't want to eat anything else. I hate that, while pickles have no calories, they have a SHIT ton of sodium and 1 gram of carbs. That was the most shocking thing that happened to me today. No I feel shittyand fat for eating pickles. PICKLES. It makes my SO mad that my dad refuses to buy me the vegan foods at our grocery store. He's a meat and potatoes man, and thinks anyone who's diffeent is unnatural. Well... I just want to have tofu and squash noodles. Is that okay? God. Anyway, here;s how today was.
Consumed:
Apple- 80
2 sticks gum- 10
2 pickles slices- 0 (440 g sodium)
cup of soup- 290
Total: 380
I'm wayyy too lazy to work out lately. I just refuse to. It'll slow down my weight loss a lot but... i don't know. oh well. I have no motivation to work out. Since my dinner tomorrow is pretty low cal, I'm lettimg myeslf eat B, L, and D.
Plan:
B: raisin bread slice (toasted, 0 cal spray maybe)- 80 (CARBS GALORE)
L: apple- 80
D: some kind of frozen lean cuisine chicken thing. -200
S: 1 Gum& 1 pickle allowed- 5 cal
Total: 365.
I'll take my multivitamin in the morning. I find that, when i take it, i always get super full. So if I eat my bread, then take my multivitamin, i might not even have to eat lunch. I dunno. Gahh, my stomach hurts soi'm probably going to go to bed early. <3
Consumed:
Apple- 80
2 sticks gum- 10
2 pickles slices- 0 (440 g sodium)
cup of soup- 290
Total: 380
I'm wayyy too lazy to work out lately. I just refuse to. It'll slow down my weight loss a lot but... i don't know. oh well. I have no motivation to work out. Since my dinner tomorrow is pretty low cal, I'm lettimg myeslf eat B, L, and D.
Plan:
B: raisin bread slice (toasted, 0 cal spray maybe)- 80 (CARBS GALORE)
L: apple- 80
D: some kind of frozen lean cuisine chicken thing. -200
S: 1 Gum& 1 pickle allowed- 5 cal
Total: 365.
I'll take my multivitamin in the morning. I find that, when i take it, i always get super full. So if I eat my bread, then take my multivitamin, i might not even have to eat lunch. I dunno. Gahh, my stomach hurts soi'm probably going to go to bed early. <3
Monday, January 3, 2011
Back on Track.
Consumed:
Cheerios- 98
2 pickles- 0
2 stick of gum- 10
lean cuisine basil chicken and cream with linguini- 250
Total: 358 :)
For tomorrow:
Breakfast- apple- 80
Lunch- nada
snack- 2 pickles and 2 sticks of gum allowed
Dinner- 290 calorie soup
total: max- 380
i'm feeling pretty good right now. i feel like i'm in a nice, safe place. As long as this keeps up. :) I've got a sick ass video game that, today, distraced me from 5-7:30. Then I took a shower, played boxing with my dad, etc. This is how I hope my day will go tomorrow.
7:37-2:39 : School
2:42-3:40: Bus ( I hate it, but it kills time)
3:45-5:00: Homework (if I have it) otherwise, so laundry
FOOD TIME
5:30-7:00: FINAL FANTASY X
7:10-7:40: Shower
7:42-8:00- play boxing with dad?
8:00-9:30: Probably end up watching TV with dad
9:30-10:30: Computer time
BED.
Basically, I won't have time where I feel the need to binge because I'll always have somethingto occupy myself with. Crap, didn't leave time to work out... if I don't box with my dad then I'll work out. I figure, since I'm already so lazy, eating les than 400 calories will balance out my laziness?
Cheerios- 98
2 pickles- 0
2 stick of gum- 10
lean cuisine basil chicken and cream with linguini- 250
Total: 358 :)
For tomorrow:
Breakfast- apple- 80
Lunch- nada
snack- 2 pickles and 2 sticks of gum allowed
Dinner- 290 calorie soup
total: max- 380
i'm feeling pretty good right now. i feel like i'm in a nice, safe place. As long as this keeps up. :) I've got a sick ass video game that, today, distraced me from 5-7:30. Then I took a shower, played boxing with my dad, etc. This is how I hope my day will go tomorrow.
7:37-2:39 : School
2:42-3:40: Bus ( I hate it, but it kills time)
3:45-5:00: Homework (if I have it) otherwise, so laundry
FOOD TIME
5:30-7:00: FINAL FANTASY X
7:10-7:40: Shower
7:42-8:00- play boxing with dad?
8:00-9:30: Probably end up watching TV with dad
9:30-10:30: Computer time
BED.
Basically, I won't have time where I feel the need to binge because I'll always have somethingto occupy myself with. Crap, didn't leave time to work out... if I don't box with my dad then I'll work out. I figure, since I'm already so lazy, eating les than 400 calories will balance out my laziness?
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