Done.

Not like it really matters, but i really don't want to talk about the past week. At. All. If I sum it all up, it basically ends with me gaining back ALL the weight I lost. All. Of. It. Optimism? Lost it. Motivation? Forgot what it was. Now I'm sitting here, my dark brown hair now died burgundy, my previously flattened stomach protruding once more. I'm a disgusting cow. An awful, ugly, fat cow. I figured the new hair would wrap up my good year, and let me start anew. I guess I'll have to start that tomorrow, because right now I'm the same fat ass that I've always been. I don't even deserves to be on here, because I saw blogging as a privledge, as something that the thin brea could do in her spare time. But no, I can't be happy. Not even for a little while. I've been binging since last weekend. And as of no, I'm done. No more pizza, or chicken, or baked potatoes. No more juice or pop or cookies, no more milk and cereal, no more yogurt or chinese food or potatoe chips. no more candy or lattes or bacon. No. More. I've got one week left of break. One week, before I can start back at school as a new and improved me. One more week. I can do this. I've done it before, virtually effortlessly. I can do it again, longer than before, harder than before. I feel like I'm about to go to war, and in a way I am. I'm going to war with myself. With fat, stupid me, fighting for thin, smart, purple haired me. i don't deserve to have dyed my hair. It was supposed to be my reward, and now I've just soiled it. I ruin everything. Starting tomorrow, it all ends. Everything. Goodbye, farewell. I hope I never see your disgusting face in the mirror another day.

Old Me:

• Dark brown hair
• Fat arms, stomach, legs, face
• Quiet
• Sloppy
• Procrastinator
• Clumsy
• Weird
• Nervous around boys
• Eats all the time
• Rude
• Whore
• Sarcastic
• Push-over
• Overly-emotional
• Ugly
• No fashion sense

New Me:

• Purplish/Red hair
• Thin arms, concave stomach, tiny legs
• Out-going
• Neat/Clean
• Organized
• Poised
• Unique
• Sexy/Playful around boys
• Rarely ever eats/Never feels hunger
• Polite
• Classy
• Sarcastic ;D
• Opinionated/Her own person
• Strong, feels NOTHING.
• Gorgeous
• Highly fashionable.

Starting... now!

Who you finna try?

this made my day.

Blueberries.

So far I've had:
cheese stick-70
yogurt-70
a couple blueberries-10
total: 150
i already know that I'm going to end up eating a lot today. I'm planning on eating another cheese stick and having the cheese and broccoli. If I let myself eat that then i would have had... 260. So today i'll let myself have one more cheese stick and the tray. That should be good. I really wish that i could weigh myself. :(It's bugging me. I've been weighing myself every morning, and not being able to is driving me insane. It dosn't make it any better that i have nothing to do... wait! I'm supposed to read Huckleberry Finn over break, so i guess I can get that over with. :) I'll ready for a few hours.

Creeper.

Mm, I missed yogurt. Especially the low-fat strawberry kind from activia. It's so filling, I love it. And only 70 calories. That's what I just had for breakfast. I think, when I'm on the way to my cousin's house, I'll bring a tray of broccoli and cheese to eat. So then I'd have had... 110. I dunno what I can do for dinner yet. I need to find out when me and my cousins are going out to lunch, because I won't eat anything else on that day. I'm not too worried about it; I just have to get the lowest calorie thing on the menu, eat only half of it. Or if they have something for like 300 calories, I could eat the whole thing and just not eat anything else all day. I dunno, i'll figure something out. I think I may be able to weigh myself later... maybe around 3 or 4. If we get to my cousin's house before noon, then I could weigh myself really quickly there. God, i'm so fat. :( i wish it would just all go away. I think the weight is leaving my stomach and going right to my thighs. I. Hate. My. Thighs. Yesterday in lunch I was busy staring like a creeper at this Sophomore's thighs (she was in her cheerleading uniform) and they were just sooo small. Like, it made me feel disgusting and worthless to see her legs next to mine. I guess I'll just have to work on that... I jujst don't know how. I feel like my thigh weight will be the last to go. It'll be my fat stomach, thn my arms, then my boobs, then maybe my ass, then my calves, thn my hands and feet, then my  thighs. God. I'm going to go and measure myself, though. I need to feel like i'm making SOME progress.

Hope.

Consumed:
Banana- 104 cals
Broccoli and cheese from green giant- 40 cals
Total: 144.

Okay. I've always said how I like Green giant, and how it's amazing how filling and tasty the veggie are, but I never really thought to buy a whole bunch of things from them. Today, my mom picked my up from school and we went to the grocery store. She let me get anything I wanted to. i got a BUNCH of green giant products (the ones that are very low in calories) and they should last me the whole break! I just ate that 40 calories cheese and broccoli tray, and it's so so so good and so so so filling. I feel like I ate a huge meal. :D I'm sorry, I'm just excited because i get to eat more than just oatmeal and celery for the next two weeks. my plan for tomorrow is to have blueberries for breakfast with maybe a little cottage cheese (i'm not sure yet.) and maybe a yogurt for lunch. Then for dinner i can have another one of those green giant things. that would be... around 400 caories, maybe less. I don't think i'll eat cottage cheese. Anyway, I can't weigh myself until tomorrow afternoon if that. I really hope my weight goes down. <3

Fail.

I knew it. I still ate under 500 calories, and I gained .2 of a pound. I seriously feel so fat and stupid right now. I was going to have oatmeal or a banana for breakfast, but I changed my mind. I'll have the banana for dinner, but that's it. Hopefully it'll be easier when I'm with my mom... I don't know though. If I'm not 135 by tomorrow, I'll be so upset. I've changed my mind, under no circumstances can I eat normal at Christmas. No. Way.

Hunger.

Hunger, oh Hunger, I'd been wondering where you'd gotten off to. Maybe I didn't explain it clear enough, but grilled cheese and soup is a trigger/binge food of mine. I CAN'T TURN IT DOWN. So, knowing that there is still a bunch of grilled cheeses downstairs in the kitchen is killing me. I keep thinking, "Oh, go for it Brea. There aren't that many calories in a grilled cheese." Ohh, but yes there are. Almost 400 calories for soemthing that barely even fills me up. i bet I'm hungry because I didn't have oatmeal this morning. The past week I've been having oatmeal each day. It fills you up a lot, that's probably why I haven't been hungry. HOPEFULLY, i'll still lose tomorrow. That's the main thing that I'm worried about. Oh! But Over at my grandmas, I sucessfully avoided eating these tea cakes we made and egg nog my grandma made. i didn't really want any of that, though. They were going to let me have some with brandy in it, and if I didn't have this stupid ED, I could be buzzed right now. :( whatever. I'd rather lose weight then get drunk any day.

My grandmother proceeded to make me feel like shit. I pulled up my pants and she gave me a weird look, so I said, "I need a belt." and she laughed and said, "for what?! Those pants don't look likt they're going to be falling off anytime soon." thanks. Realize, this is the same grandma who used to force me to get on the scale when I was a little kid. She'd always tell me about how I was too fat. Hm, yeah, thanks. maybe when there's nothing to me, she'll accept me. I've decided that, if I am in the 120's by chirstmas, I'll let myself have some of the food. Just really small portions of everything. But if I'm sucessful for that long, and I'm in the 120's by then, then I'll let myself eat. I just have to fast the next day, which;ll be easy because I can always say that I ate too much the day before. I've lost nine pounds but I still see no difference... I don't know. it kinda sucks.

Disgusting.

Why?
Consumed:
nature valley bars-190
half grilled cheese-178
couple spoonfulls of beef/vegetable soup- 80
TOTAL: 448
I'm so disgusting, I can't stand it... And now I'm about to go to my grandma's house and I'm sure she's going to try and force me to eat eggnog. NO. I will not, under any circumstances, consume ANYTHING else. I am so done. I'm so fat, i hate it I hate it I hate it. :( I just don't know what to do.

136.0.

I lost 1.1 pounds since yesterday. Still no change, though. :( Unfortunatly. I've got a UTI, but I can't go to the doctor because... well, I have no one to bring me. Besides, they always go away eventually. I only get them sometimes. I dunno why. I can't really write much, because I'm trying to get ready for school. Tonight I'll pack for Chicago, and I need to pack a lot of stuff!

Dad.

I just went in the kitchen to put my water bottle in the fridge and my dad was all, "Slim. Don't go loosing any weight." Right. Like that's going to happen. I played it off, saying, "I don't even want to lose weight! Just beware; whenI get back from Chicago in two weeks I'm going to have a big old pot belly!" He just laughed and let it go. The sad thing is; I'm probably right. I wish I could see some real progress. I really do. my measurements say that I'm still huge... and yet my dad tells me I look thinner? god. It pisses me off. i'm really worrid about my family. They are always trying to make me eat and shit, and I just... I don't know. They FORCE me. Like, when they're cooking, they make me test shit out. It's always SO fattening. I really hope that doesn't happen.

I'm putting icecubes on my eyes because there are dark bags and circles around them. I look like I'm really sick... and I don't want anyone to ask me if I'm okay and shit. I'm gunna chill with this ice until I go to bed. Night. <33

Fat.

First thing's first:
Consumed:
rice- 100
oatmeal- 130
4 kellog's mini wheats- 34
gum- 5
Total: 269
Again, I feel like i ate a whole bunch of food even though I know I didn't. It's officially been a week since I started losing weight again, and I've only binged once. It's been four days since I last binged, and I don't feel one coming on any time soon. I just looked online and found out that my multivitamin boots metabolism and converts more stored fat into energy. This makes me very happy. :) I felt like I was featter than ever at school today. i can't wait until I'm actually thin. Earlier, I though to myself, is this really worth it? I answered yes. Or maybe my ED answered yes. I want to live a longgg life and have kids and get married. I just feel like... for that to be possible, I have to be thin. Does that make sense?

In my house, there is nothing to eat. At least, nothing I'm willing to eat. We have spaghetti, lots of white rice, lots of frozen dinners, pot pies, ice cream, steaks, chicken, ribs, french fries, cream cheese, sandwich meat, chips, cookies, pop, ect. HOWEVER, we have NO water, NO unrotten fruit, NO uncanned vegetables (i'm not allowed to open canned vegetables because my step mom uses them for dinner. THEN, if we don't eat all of the veggies during dinner she throws them out. ) um, wow I just realized that I'm not going to be able to weigh myself over break. my mom doesn't have a scale... UNLESS, I can get her to buy me one? I'd seriously love her forever. I doubt I'll be able to get one, though because she'll be asking me all about it and shit. God. If this weightloss keeps up, I'll be 129 by this time next week. I feel like this was too easy? Like... I will have lost twenty pounds in less a month... It's kind of scary. I don't know. Not to say that I'm not glad about it. i'd be happier if I could get some 2 lbs a day weight loss of solid fat. I'm pretty sure that I'm just starting to lose my fat weight. i think before it was just water weight. My goal is to just... do this. I don't know. i just want to be 110. If this keeps up for that long then... I'll be 110 by janurary 10. I really dont think I'm going to last that long. My prediction? I'll binge on chirstmas eve, i'll binge on chirstmas day, I'll binge on new years, and I'll binge every day that I'm in Chicago. THANKFULLY, me and my mom are going grocery shopping when she picks me up. CAN I GET AN AMEN?! I'll tell her to get lots of green giant bags and a lot of blueberries and apples. If she can afford that, I'll be home free. :)

Nerves.

boy oh boy, did I NOT miss school. Turnes out, over our little break, i turned into a straight up BITCH. The guy I used to/kinda still like? Yeah. I was an asshole to him, pushed his stuff off of his desk, ignored him when he'd hit on me. He deserved it, though. He was talking shit about the guy i really like now, who was supposedly supposed to be his friend. He told me, "I don't like him. he's a manwhore, blahblah." I ripped him a new one, that's for sure. Then I angrily stormed out of class once the bell rang. See, this is why i don't ever leave my room. It's a lot safer for me, and the general public. And I'm actually NOT pmsing! So, really, there's no excuse for my bitchiness besides that I finally got tired of his shit and let it all out. Oh, but i'm not done with him yet. I need to make him feel like shit. :) My bestfriend's pissing me off, because this morning she tells me she has to tell me something and yet she STILL hasn't told me. Well, that's cool. It's pissing me off, honestly. I wish she'd just spit it out.

I'm nervous because my dad bought bbq and I know he's going to try and make me eat some. I'm NOT eating that shit. No way. I have to figure out what I actually will eat though... oh yeah! I still have rice from a couple days ago. :) I'm still nervous though because he might want to watch me eat...

We Actually Have School Today.

But we have a two hour delay, so I can relax for an hour. I just weighed myself, and I lost 1.3 pounds. :) I alwyas get worried when i'm on the scale because I genuinly feel like I ate too much yesterday and that I've gained. I can see both of my hip bones a little more now, but it's probably only noticeable to me. i just ate most of a bowl of oatmeal. I'll say it was... 130 calories. I'm going to try and eat more today than I usually do. Ha. or maybe not; I really like this weight loss, even though I can't really see it yet. I'm gunna work out until i need to get ready for school. Believe me, i'm not looking forward to it AT ALL. :(

Worthless.

What's this? I feel so fat and disgusting. Why? Because I'm fat and disgusting. I ate some more rice, and although i'm sure it wasn't a lot, i feel like I binged. I spent the past two hours beating myself up about how fat and disgusting I am. I'm so worthless. I hate feeling this way. I just wish my legs werent so HUGE. I wish that when I pinched my stomach, all there is to pinch is a little skin. But no, I can grab two huge handfuls of fat. I HATE MY LIFE. I hate myself, I'm disgusting.

This guy who likes me (probably only for sex) is mjad at me because he said that I seem different tonight. I'm fucking sorry that I'm a fat nasty whore who can't do anything right. (Sorry for the language.) I'm going to go to sleep, or at least try to. maybe in the morning my stomach will be a tiny bit flatter. ;( God. I just wish I could be tiny and pretty. That's all I want.

Blah.

I'm too tired to write much, so I'll just document what i ate.
Consumed:
Rice-200
Oatmeal-80
Spinach- around 10
Total: 290.
I'm really worried. It's like I physically can't eat any more. I'm going to go make myself eat the rest of the rice, that should add on some more calories. Might I add that i'm totally guessing with the 200 calories for rice? I just figured because it's chicken flavored rice. hell, I might have only had 250 calories. I'm going to go and eat the rest of it, then take my multivitamin. </3

So Far.

Sorry, I just have to keep track.
Half a bowl of oatmeal- 80 cals
Rice- 100
180. Already more than this time yesterday. :( Ah, well. I'm actually going to work out today so it might even out. I'm going to watch ANTM for a while though. I love that show. I feel oddly at ease and relaxed right now. I hope it lasts.

Hiccups.

I'm currently listening to my all-time favorite song and I have the hiccups. I couldn't be any more relaxed. I like having hiccups. I don't know why. Probably because I'm a freak. I wish I could play the guitar so I could play Say It Ain't So. If a guy ever starts playing and singing this song and he sounds good, I'll probably have to marry him. I have to. I would have found my soul mate. I really need to find a good book to read. Like, seriously. I could re-read my favorite series, since I have all of the books. That's the City of Bones series. God, it's just so wonderful. I can't even describe it. I have such a short attention span lately, though. I'll read a few pages but then I get bored and need to do something else. Well, I don't really get bored, I just feel like I can't understand the words anymore. It's weird.

In half an hour I'm going to be making myself a little plate of rice and corn. I haven't decided what I'm eating for dinner yet, but I really want it to have some sugar in it... but we have NO FRUIT. I think we might have some canned fruit... I'll check and see. That'd be better than nothing. Oh, crap. In addition to that I have to eat some of the dinner my step mom makes... unless it's hamburgers, and I'm pretty sure it's hamburgers. Ew. I really can't stand the smell or sight of meat anymore. Like, I was ripping up a piece of fried chicken last night to make it look like I ate it, and I almost threw up. The smell was so unbearable and disgusting I really couldn't stand it. Plus, there was this wet stuff coming out of it, and it was slimy and gross. Ugh. To think I used to eat that ALL THE TIME. I never really like it, though. Unless it was from KFC. No more fast food for me, though! Everr. At least I'll be saving my mom money. She always tries to buy me food when she knows she doesn't have that much money to spend, so now I won't let her. Spending money on material things are a lot better investment than spending it on food. Wow. Having hiccups when your stomach is filled with water and oatmeal is weird. Ha.

... It shrunk?

For some reason, I can't even finish a bowl of oatmeal. I just... can't. It's times like this that really scare me. not being hungry at all scares me more than binging. Because its somewhat normal for your body to want to binge when you're depriving yourself of food. But when you've eaten less than 2000 calories in the last six days and you have to force yourself to eat? That's just... I don't know. I'm terrified of how messed up i'm getting. But i won't stop. I can't. I was trying to convince myself last night that no one is going to like me when i'm thin, either. My ED won the fight, though. It said, "You know that's not true. You know that once you're thin everyone will like you. You can't get a guy with huge thighs. No one will want to touch you." I've established that I'm never going to be able to have sex because I think i look too disgusting to ever be naked in front of someone. Hell, I don't look at myself naked. I make sure that I'm away from a mirror when I get in the shower. Anyway, i guess I'm going to give up on eating for now. I'll try again later.

Family.

138.5.
I guess I should be happier about this. It'll just kinda be... I don't know. It's not really a milestone or anything like 139 or 135. I'm content with it at least decreasing, but you know. Also, I thought there would have been some physical change by now, but there's not. I know there's not physical change because no one's said anything to me about it. Given, I haven't really seen anyone since Friday, and anytime I did see someone I was bundled under a million layers of clothes. So if anything I looked bigger. Today, I've got a plan to bring up my blood sugar. Or to just prevent me from collasping again. I jut got up and I'm drinking a really big glass of water. I think I'll drink a big glass of water every other hour, if not every hour. In a couple hours I'll have some oatmeal. (Just checked, and we don't have ANY fruit in my house. None. The apples all have huge bruises and are moldy and disgusting. So... I have to find another source of sugar. Crap.) I'm kind of just waiting for someone to say something to me about my weightloss. I planned the whole experiance out in my head. "Hey Brea... you look like you lost some weight." "Do I really? I've been eating a lot lately." "You look smaller. What have you been doing?" "I know I've started working out again. I run everyday and go to the YMCA with my friends every week. I play wii fit for hours." "Wow, you'll need to help me out."
That's generally what my mom's side would say. My dad's side would say, "Brea! You're looking really good!" "Thanks." Yeah. They're the side of the family that if you're fat, everyone gets on you about it. EVERYONE. So, basically, i could be emanciated, and then I would fit in. Can you tell which side I'm closer to? There are a couple cousins on my dad's side that I love to no end. They're sister and brother. The brother is a year younger than me and the sister is a freshman in college. They always include me when they go to the art museum or ice skating and stuff. The brother always picks me up, and it makes me feel like I'm actually pretty. i don't know, its weird. They make me feel like I'm important, like if I wasn't there as well, they wouldn't be having such a good time. It's rare that people make me feel that way, so I appreciate them.

IF NOTHING ELSE READ THIS. :)
I want to be a little healthier for the rest of this week. Do you guys think I should raise my intake by a little? Like, instead of 400 should it be 550? The problem is, I just don't know what I'd eat. I'm just worried because I have school the rest of the week, i'm sure, and I don't want to feel faint when i'm there.

Well, I'm gunna go on pretty thin. I don't want to type out everything right now, because I really have nothing else to do today. <3

Dearest Great Divine, Help Me Out, Bro.

I would appreciate it VERY VERY much if by some miraculous occurance, I transformed and turned into Adriana Lima's twin. Just saying. The girl's gorgeous, I'm SO jealous of her. I know she probably works very hard for her body, and I'm trying to do the same. I'm going to try and start using liquid eyeliner. I hear it makes you look like, amazingly better.

Oh, and school got called off again. ;)

Collapsed.

Just wonderful. i collapsed because of low blood sugar or dehydration or some crap. I cannot have that happen at school, so I just sucked it up and went down to the kitchen. No, i didn't binge. I drank a whole bottle of water though, and I had a stick of celery with peanut butter and three raisins. Bringing my total calorie intake for the day up to 283. 5. Yes, I did careful measurements to get that .5 of a calorie. I figure if I dance around a bit I can burn it away. Anyway, I'm feeling pretty fat and stupid. I HATE peanut butter. I hate it soooo much, I hate that there can't be some nice, low calorie food that gives you protein and sugar. I'm sure there is one, I just need to find it.

Stomachache

i'm not sure how it's possible, but i've got a stomach ache from eating a few forkfuls of rice and creamed corn. :( It's really bad, and although i wanted to try and get closer to 400 calories today, i don't think i can eat anything else.

Consumed:
Homemade Soup- 52
Creamed Corn-I'm guessing 30 calories? I really don't know.
Rice- Again, I'm guessing 90.
Total- 172...

I'm pretty proud of myself, but I'm worried. I don't want to go into starvation mode and plateau.

Hmm.

139.2 <3
It'll go back up though. When I saw it on the tv ( I have a wii fit) i seriously started jumping around. If I'm that happy to be in the 30's, imagine the 20's and the teens. I swear, once I'm in the low twenties I'm going to be SO happy. I still look huge though, and it's pissing me off. And I realized that it doesn't matter how small I get, my face is always going to be disgusting so I'm pretty much screwed over for life. Nice. Anyway, once I get to 125, I'm going to splurge and get a new wardrobe and get a bunch of make up and hair products and all that. I want to be able to look nice. For dinner tonight, my step mom is making friend chicken (DISGUSTING) potatoes, corn, and something else. I'm scared as to how much cream and butter she put in those mashed potatoes so i'm just going to eat some corn and then later I'll eat an apple or something.

Soup.

I made my soup!

1 ½ cups water (approx)- 0 cals
1 bullion cube- 5 cals
Seasonings- 0 cals
2/3 carrot- 25
1/5 onion- 16
1/2 celery- 6

Total- 52 calories!

I actually liked it, because I didn't use a lot of water so that the bullion would be strong, and i added cajun seasonings. I used 0 calories spray, which might have added a couple calories, but over all it's less than what I thought it was going to be! I'm really full still, and I had it two hours ago. ;) I love soup. I'm not going to eat anything else until five. I'm either going to have oatmeal or an apple. Maybe both. They're both really filling, so I feel like that's something I should eat in the mornings? I always eat weirdly. like, my breakfast foods I eat for dinner, and dinner foods I eat for breakfast. Anyway, I'm feeling pretty good about myself, even though i feel like I ate a ton of food. I don't like feelig so full, but I guess it's good and I won't eat anything else. We have a lot of bullion, I should eat that for the rest of the week. Lunch at school it harder because I never know what's safe to get. I usually eat these 100 calorie packs, because they're sweet and curb my cravings for sugar. unfortunatly they aren't very filling. I think i just won't eat lunch at school, and I'll start eating breakfast to give me energy.

My step mom just said that we're all going to have to go to my grandparent's house and snowblow... if they're making me go, I'm going to kill someone. I DON'T HAVE WARM CLOTHES. I really don't. And my boots are expensive, I don't feel like getting marks all over them. I honestly wish we didn't live out in the country and that I could just work out in my room, play video games, and relax. They never let me relax.

Ruined Food

My step mom just made a big breakfast, like she always does. But today she decided to make sausage, which I'm always begging her to make on my binge days but she won't. So, to make sure I didn't eat any of it, I made a big plate of food, squeezed mustard on it ( I HATE mustard) sprinkled a bunch of sugar and salt on it, poured gravy and syrup all over it, and then put a half cooked piece of egg on top. I ran it up to my room and ripped it all apart, and smashed it. It looked and smelled worse than anything I've ever seen. I should've taken a picture, damn. Anyway, then i went and threw it away. but I made sure that the fork I used had some food on it so that they'd think I ate. Besides, she saw me make my plate. So, I'm good. :) She never makes lunch so I can make my soup. They'll think I'm just eating a lot today. Whatever.

I'm not sure if losertown is accurate, but if it is then I'll be 129 by 1/03/11. I swear, that would make me so happy. I just have to keep eating less than 400 calories a day. I'm worried about Chirstmas vacation. I'm going to be with my mom the whole time, and usually when I'm with her, I always over eat because she is an amazing cook. I'm basically going to have to start this whole story of me eating chicken at lunch and it making me sick. Which is very possible. I can like, pretend to be gagging in the bathroom and shit. That'll be how I can get away with only eating small stuff. I really hope this works, because my mom pays a lot more attention to me than my dad and his wife do. My mom notices when I lose like, a pound, and whenevr I call myself fat she tells everyone in my family so they can yell at me? Whatever.

Once my best friend leaves I'll work out. If she isn't up by 12:30, I'm just going to go and make my soup. 

A Little Change

Last Thursday I weighted 145.7, pushing at 146. Even though I binged on Saturday, I now weigh 140.3 :).Five pounds in five days when I ate all five days? Not too shabby. I can deal with slow weight loss, as long as I can see the scale steadily going down. I think I'd be at 139 by now but I had that little binge. I'm glad it didn't affect me too much! My stomach looks a little narrower, and it's much flatter. My love handles shrunk a bit. I figure, if I keep this up, I'll be 135 by next Thursday... which would make me estatic! I'm just going to keep eating less than 400 calories a day. Today I got really excited because I thought of this recipe I can make. I was going to put some onions and carrots in a pot, fry them (without any oil or anything) and then I'd put like two cups of water in it with a couple bullion cubes. Bullion cubes are only 5 calories. So, basically I can have a really filling soup with a few vegtables. I'll do the math later, but 'm assuming it'll be under 100 calories, which is great because I could split it for two meals. :) My optimism is yet to leave me and I hope it stays!

Snow!

Consumed:
2 apples- 195
4 crackers- 70
half a bowl of oatmeal-100
total - 365

I feel like I ate a lot more than I did... i mean, my stomach is SO full. :( But maybe that's a good thing, because it's really filling and yet I didn't eat anything. If that's the case, and I lose from eating like this each day, then I'll be one happy camper! I'm SO proud of myself, because my best friend (she's perfect, by the way) was cooking some potatoes and onions and she baked it with some cheese, and I'm not going to lie, it smelled amazing. I didnt' eat any of it though. Also, at her house they had a bunch of food that is usually binge food for me and I didn't bother eaating any of them! I was so proud. Now we're at my house and my dad made us make pizza, but I'm not going to eat any. Anyways, i feel like a fat man even though I stayed below 400 calories. I don't like it, i'll probably eat less tomorrow... and not so late at night.

We were supposed to go shopping but there was family problems and her parents went to Ohio. So we sat at her house all day watching the Bad Girl's Club ( I OFFICIALLY LOVE THAT SHOW! ESPECIALLY LEA). I'm afraid to weigh myself, but I will in the morning. Oh, we don't have school tomorrow because it's literally a blizzard outside. Like, on the way to my house we got stuck in the house across the street's yard. Thankfully we knew all the people who lived in the house and next door to it so they helped us get out. But, while we were out pushing the car, the snow stung our eyes. It's whipping around like crazy, and it feels like little needles on your skin. You seriously can't see more thjan a few feet in front of you. So, me and my best friend were like holding hands so we didn't lose eachother. Haha. Anyway, it's crazy out. I'm glad we don't have any school, because she's staying at my house. :)

:(

I'm afraid to weigh myself after yesterday.
So I'm not going to.

30 Seconds to Mars: Was it a Dream

I <3 this song and this band. :) i listen to their music sometimes when I write.

Sleeping and Video Games.

It's just occured to me that my sleeping habits are all fudged up. Last night I couldn't get to sleep until around two in the morning, and then I woke up an hour ago. That gives me five hours of sleep... is that insomnia? Usually I'd at least sleep until ten when I stay up late and now I can't even do that. Plus, I wake up several times during the night for some reason. It's just starting to get on my nerves.

I'm very optimistic that today will be... good. And I hate to say that because in my head, whenever I expect something to go one way it always goes another. Always. even after my binge, I still have no energy to exercise. Heck, I still get dizzy when I walk down the stairs. I already have heart palipations, this makes it worse.

I have several scabs from cutting, and they're starting to come off. I'm worried that they're going to leave a scar... because I literally have them ALL OVER. I used to be careful not to cut any skin that would show once I lost weight and could wear nice clothes, but this last time I just didn't care.

Once I reach my first goal, I'll post a picture of me. I'm way too embarrassed to show you what I look like now... I think the reason why I'm so motivated for this is because I told my family to buy me jeans that are a size too small for christmas. If I can't fit those jeans... well, it'll be awfully embarrassing, seeing as I convinced them all that I really wear that size. It's just ten pounds. I lost five pounds from Thursday to Saturday and I only fasted on Friday. I know it wasn't water weight because I literally was drinking liters and liters of water. like, a lot. I'm terrified of getting dehydrated.

There's a bird outside my window, which is weird because it's in the middle of winter... OH, do any of you like video games? I have an xbox 360 and I play Final Fantasy XIII on it! I love that game so much. At times it's really hard, and you have to pick a certain strategy and everything. Some of the bosses take me hours and hours to beat, but then there's that total elation I feel once I beat them. :) Anyway, that happened to me yesterday and I thought to myself, "Hey fatass, don't you see, this is a LOT better than food. Does food ever make you feel this good?" So basically, from this, I deduced that I have to play video games whenever I feel like binging. Which means I need to by more sixty dollar games that turn me into a hermit. Which brings me to my gift I'm giving myself once I make my second goal weight. I really want those games too.

... I need to stop writing so much.

Hana Pestle - Need + lyrics

i've had this on repeat for way too long. :/ it's sad.

Planning

I find that I'm more sucessful in my weight loss when I write out my plan for the next day in detail. so, here goes.

12/12/10
400 calories at the most.
Consume-
Apple - 90
6 saltine crackers. - 78 (the crackers are 13 cals a piece)
One bag of oat meal. - 120
The apple will be for breakfast, three crackers for a snack, and three for lunch, then the oatmeal can be for dinner. Total- 288 calories.

Activities-
Work out for at least 30 minutes on Wii fit.
Go shopping.

That's basically it. I binged today, and it was awful. I needed to purge, but my dad has been watching me like a hawk all day and I couldn't. Speaking of how crazy my dad is, he put a doorbell in my room. They ring it whenever they want me to come down in the basement. It's ridiculous. Every time they ring it, it scares the shit out of me. Evidently they want me to have a stroke. Seriously.

Hello World, and Welcome to My Head

Unfortunatly, I'm constantly preoccupied with eating. Should I eat this, should I not eat that, should I fast all day, etc. Although I haven't been diagnosed, I assume that I have ED-NOS. My whole life story is too boring to type out, but basically after my parents divorced, I got fat. I guess you can say that I was a wannarexic from the time I was ten to twelve. Then, I gave up on my wannarexia and just lived. I ended up losing a lot of weight without noticing it. (Before the weight loss I was 5'3" and 180 pounds) I wouldn't eat until I got home, and when I was there I would eat a lean cuisine frozen dinner. Sometimes I would have two. The whole thing was only 250 calories, so while I thought that I was eating a lot, I actually wasn't eating much at all. By the time I was a freshman in Highschool, I was 132, and neck deep in an eating disorder. I had gotten so used to the compliments and praise that I needed more of it. I needed to see the number on the scale go down. I began cutting myself when I gained, and purging when I ate too much. Freshman year was the worst. I would purge, abuse laxatives, cut, and then take several muscle relaxers so that I could sleep all day and not eat anything. Last year that began to scare me, and I stopped. Over the course of last year I more or less stayed in the same weight area, and it's been killing me. Over this past summer I gained fifteen pounds, bringing me back up to 155. The past few months, I lost it all again and I'm at 140.

That isn't who I am completly, though.

I love Weezer. Rivers Cuomo, even in his forties, is the most beautiful man on the planet. I obsess over his voice for hours, and watch the "Say it Aint So" video over and over just to look at him. I'm a writer, or I try to pass as one. I got 100% on the writing and English portions of the ACT, and ended up with a total score of 28. So I guess I'm kind of smart. I did awful ont he math portion (70%) so I'm going to retake it and hope for at least a 30 so I can go to Brown. Even if I do get the grades for it, I highly doubt i'll be able to go to Brown because my parents won't have enough money to pay for it... it sucks. I was asked to go to Hawaii with Brown this summer but I can't... then I was asked to go to D.C. this summer with another school, but I can't go to that either. That's why I need to make something out of myself, so that my kids will be able to attend whatever school they want to go to whether its here in corn-fed Indiana or over in England.

I love writing fanfiction, mostly because I'm not creative enough to come up with a whole plot by myself. I write Harry Potter fanfiction, it used to be Draco/Hermione pairing but now I only ever do Scorpius/Rose. I love writing. Even though I suck. Also, I have this little journal that I carry around with me at school and I write poems in it sometimes. I might post one on here someday, if I think it's good enough. I get deja vu A LOT. It lasts for several minutes. I am a devoted believer in metaphysics philosophys for life. If anyone has questions about it I could explain. I am also a Pagan, and believe in magic. No, I don't worship Satan, I don't believe in him. We mostly just believe that everything has a soul, and that nature is a part of us and we are a part of nature. Magic is basically us shaping energies to our use. I guess you could say I'm eccentric, but in the 1800s, they also called the Catholics and the Mormans, and of course the Jewish crazy. So please don't disrespect how I feel, because I accept all religions, I feel that everyone is right in what they believe.

I live with my dad and his wife. I DESPISE his wife. I truly believe that she is a selfish, hateful, cruel, bitter, nasty woman and I can't stand her. When someone throws a rock at my head and chases me and calls me names, and violates my privacy,  I lose all respect for them. OH, did any of you hear about the microbe that was discovered in Mono Lake in California? I guess it makes body parts out of arsenic, just like ours are made of carbon. Basically, it's saying that we have to rewrite all of the biology books because all life doesn't have to be composed out of carbon, and theres no telling what else they could be made of. Therefore, there could be life on planets that we never bothered looking very close at because aliens may not be made of the same stuff as us. Pretty cool. Also, I have a huge conspiracy theory about that. It think that 2012 is going to happen because scientists are going to try and make a person out of the microbe of something, and it'll go crazy and reproduce and we won't be able to kill it because, well, it's made of arsenic. My other theory was that the microbe was a baby of an alien and the alien is going to attack us to try and get it's baby back. Ha, I know I'm weird.

If you read all of this, I just want to say thank you. I promise my entries won't be completly about my eating disorder. At times, I hear, I manage to be a bit humorus. :)