Hunger.

Hunger, oh Hunger, I'd been wondering where you'd gotten off to. Maybe I didn't explain it clear enough, but grilled cheese and soup is a trigger/binge food of mine. I CAN'T TURN IT DOWN. So, knowing that there is still a bunch of grilled cheeses downstairs in the kitchen is killing me. I keep thinking, "Oh, go for it Brea. There aren't that many calories in a grilled cheese." Ohh, but yes there are. Almost 400 calories for soemthing that barely even fills me up. i bet I'm hungry because I didn't have oatmeal this morning. The past week I've been having oatmeal each day. It fills you up a lot, that's probably why I haven't been hungry. HOPEFULLY, i'll still lose tomorrow. That's the main thing that I'm worried about. Oh! But Over at my grandmas, I sucessfully avoided eating these tea cakes we made and egg nog my grandma made. i didn't really want any of that, though. They were going to let me have some with brandy in it, and if I didn't have this stupid ED, I could be buzzed right now. :( whatever. I'd rather lose weight then get drunk any day.

My grandmother proceeded to make me feel like shit. I pulled up my pants and she gave me a weird look, so I said, "I need a belt." and she laughed and said, "for what?! Those pants don't look likt they're going to be falling off anytime soon." thanks. Realize, this is the same grandma who used to force me to get on the scale when I was a little kid. She'd always tell me about how I was too fat. Hm, yeah, thanks. maybe when there's nothing to me, she'll accept me. I've decided that, if I am in the 120's by chirstmas, I'll let myself have some of the food. Just really small portions of everything. But if I'm sucessful for that long, and I'm in the 120's by then, then I'll let myself eat. I just have to fast the next day, which;ll be easy because I can always say that I ate too much the day before. I've lost nine pounds but I still see no difference... I don't know. it kinda sucks.